Parents should have an open relationship with their children
Parents with children approaching puberty need to prepare themselves for the impending changes, so that they can help their kids, says Veola Vazquez, an assistant professor in psychology at Biola University.
Keeping in mind that, on average, girls reach puberty around age 12 and boys, 14, expect your tween to grow taller, gain weight and develop sexually. Beyond the physical changes, brace yourself for the emotional development as well. Her advice, as given to Focus On The Family:
1. Start early
by talking about the phase before it happens. "Parents who start open discussions about puberty early have teens who are more open to discussing it," Vazquez notes. "If your first discussion about puberty occurs after it has already begun, kids may be more uncomfortable discussing the issues."
In fact, The Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide by Dr James Dobson cites a Harvard University study of children between 10 and 13 on the subject. It showed that the number who felt uncomfortable talking to their parents about sexuality nearly doubled after puberty occurred, even though the majority of them felt loved by their parents 'all the time". Prior to that, they were very open to instruction and guidance at home.
2. Be clear
with your child about the bodily changes he or she should expect. "Give as much information as possible," she says. For example, girls need to know about breast development and the reproductive cycle. Explain menstruation, which is usually the final stage of her pubertal development and should be viewed positively — as a passage into adulthood, rather than a painful 'burden' all women have to bear. In the West, the first period is often marked as special with a dinner at a restaurant or a gift.
Boys too should be made aware that their bodies will change — their voices will deepen, and there will be enlargement of the genitals and new hair growth. Talk about the possibility of nocturnal emissions ('wet dreams'), and reassure them that these are not a sign of disease or immorality.
"It is better that they hear it from you than from friends or television," Vasquez advises.
3. Don't assume
your tween is well-informed and already knows everything he or she needs to know. Many kids learn about sex and puberty from the TV, friends, magazines or even random hearsay, and often get wrong information. Talking the issue over will go a long way towards correcting any inaccuracies.
"If your child asks questions for which you don't know the answer," Vasquez says, "simply tell him you will do your best to find the answer. Then be sure to read about the topic."
4. Soul search
"Talking to your child about body and sexual issues can be uncomfortable if you haven't prepared yourself ahead of time," she cautions. "Check your own attitudes about sex and your body before talking to your child."
5. Explain your values
Your child will be more likely to follow your values regarding sexual issues if you clearly state and model them. Discuss the reality of peer pressure, and how he or she would need faith in himself, his family and religion to resist the temptation to act unwisely.
Set out guidelines about interest in the opposite sex, relationships and physical contact, and if the subject of dating arises, make the boundaries clear. For instance, mum and dad may have a rule that there should be no 'steady' relationships at this age but encourage mixed group activities instead.
Don't feel you need to sit down and have a long heart-to-heart; a conversation may crop up in as casual a setting as the drive to school. It’s okay to keep things concise. However, if and when the opportunities arise, draw your tween in with questions that will help him or her think through issues like body language, flirting and modesty.
More importantly, convey the message that you will continue to be available and supportive through the changes that are about to take place, and that he or she can come to you at any time, about anything.
Your efforts to communicate and stay connected might well say more than words could.
Article from Family.sg
Monday, February 25, 2008
Gurmit's Simple Life
Gurmit Singh enjoys the simple pleasures of family life
Loudmouth contractor Phua Chu Kang may be the most unlikely example of a model husband and father. But ironically, Gurmit Singh, who plays the character on the sitcom of the same name, is a devoted family man.
Despite his fame and popularity, Gurmit remains refreshingly down-to-earth when it comes to talking about his relationships with wife, Melissa, whom he has been married to for 10 years, and their two children, Gabrielle, eight, and Elliot, four.
"Both of us are very family-oriented, and we both work at keeping close relationships between the children and ourselves,” he says. All the money and wealth in the world wouldn’t mean anything without your loved ones by your side."
Work Discipline
As one of the leading artistes on Caldecott Hill, Gurmit is one busy man. Best known as the iconic ah beng contractor in PCK Pte Ltd, he’s now preparing for PCK The Musical, which will be staged at the Singapore Indoor Stadium from 10-20 June. On top of that, the Singapore Idol host is filming an English TV drama slated for telecast at the end of the year.
Despite working 12-hour days, six days a week, Gurmit makes it a point to spend as much time as he can at home. Sundays for example, are reserved solely for his family. They go to church, and spend the rest of the day just hanging out and being together.
"It doesn’t matter how much you pay me. I never work on Sundays. Some people say I’m stupid because there’s a lot of money to be made, and I may be missing out on sponsorships and such, but I cannot compromise my family time," he says.
The Friendly Parent
Gurmit doesn't like his kids to see him as an authoritative figure. Instead, he wants to be treated as their friend and playmate.
Both Gabrielle and Elliot are prone to dragging their father into pillow fights and wrestling competitions. Sometimes, they play silly water games in the bathroom, and clown around by head-butting each other in the behind.
He explains, "I try to be a friendly father. I want them to see me first and foremost as a friend, someone they can talk to and approach in their time of need. I spend time with them doing fun things like making balloon sculptures, or just reading to them."
But it's not all play at the Singh household. His children realise it is time to stop playing when their father becomes stern, changes his tone and raises his voice. Even so, however angry he’s become, he has never once laid hands on his children.
"These hands are for loving, not for hitting. It is better to explain why his actions were wrong so he can think for himself and behave sensibly even without being told," he says.
Just be happy
The greatest hope that he has for his children is not for them to become successful lawyers, doctors, or prominent businessmen. Instead, his biggest wish is a lot simpler.
"All I want is for them is to be happy. They could have all the Cs, but if they don’t know the meaning of happiness, what is the point? Success is about being happy and being able to appreciate the small things in life."
Gurmit and his wife also try to teach their kids is the value of delayed gratification. For example, every time Gabrielle or Elliot want to buy a new toy or hanker to go on a trip abroad, Gurmit takes the opportunity to remind them to save.
"Kids have a huge capacity for learning, especially during these formative years. What they learn now is all the more important because it will make the biggest impact on them during their adult years," shares Gurmit.
Article from Family.sg/ My Family
Loudmouth contractor Phua Chu Kang may be the most unlikely example of a model husband and father. But ironically, Gurmit Singh, who plays the character on the sitcom of the same name, is a devoted family man.
Despite his fame and popularity, Gurmit remains refreshingly down-to-earth when it comes to talking about his relationships with wife, Melissa, whom he has been married to for 10 years, and their two children, Gabrielle, eight, and Elliot, four."Both of us are very family-oriented, and we both work at keeping close relationships between the children and ourselves,” he says. All the money and wealth in the world wouldn’t mean anything without your loved ones by your side."
Work Discipline
As one of the leading artistes on Caldecott Hill, Gurmit is one busy man. Best known as the iconic ah beng contractor in PCK Pte Ltd, he’s now preparing for PCK The Musical, which will be staged at the Singapore Indoor Stadium from 10-20 June. On top of that, the Singapore Idol host is filming an English TV drama slated for telecast at the end of the year.
Despite working 12-hour days, six days a week, Gurmit makes it a point to spend as much time as he can at home. Sundays for example, are reserved solely for his family. They go to church, and spend the rest of the day just hanging out and being together.
"It doesn’t matter how much you pay me. I never work on Sundays. Some people say I’m stupid because there’s a lot of money to be made, and I may be missing out on sponsorships and such, but I cannot compromise my family time," he says.
The Friendly Parent
Gurmit doesn't like his kids to see him as an authoritative figure. Instead, he wants to be treated as their friend and playmate.
Both Gabrielle and Elliot are prone to dragging their father into pillow fights and wrestling competitions. Sometimes, they play silly water games in the bathroom, and clown around by head-butting each other in the behind.
He explains, "I try to be a friendly father. I want them to see me first and foremost as a friend, someone they can talk to and approach in their time of need. I spend time with them doing fun things like making balloon sculptures, or just reading to them."
But it's not all play at the Singh household. His children realise it is time to stop playing when their father becomes stern, changes his tone and raises his voice. Even so, however angry he’s become, he has never once laid hands on his children.
"These hands are for loving, not for hitting. It is better to explain why his actions were wrong so he can think for himself and behave sensibly even without being told," he says.
Just be happy
The greatest hope that he has for his children is not for them to become successful lawyers, doctors, or prominent businessmen. Instead, his biggest wish is a lot simpler.
"All I want is for them is to be happy. They could have all the Cs, but if they don’t know the meaning of happiness, what is the point? Success is about being happy and being able to appreciate the small things in life."
Gurmit and his wife also try to teach their kids is the value of delayed gratification. For example, every time Gabrielle or Elliot want to buy a new toy or hanker to go on a trip abroad, Gurmit takes the opportunity to remind them to save.
"Kids have a huge capacity for learning, especially during these formative years. What they learn now is all the more important because it will make the biggest impact on them during their adult years," shares Gurmit.
Article from Family.sg/ My Family
Tech-ified English?
What technology does to the English language
Our exclusive Q&A with the two veterans in the education scene, Patricia Koh and Julia Gabriel, continues...
My tween/teen communicates via SMS a lot and she’s even used SMS language in her compositions! What can I do to stop this nonsense?
Pat Koh: Most children model after their peers and their parents. If his peers reply messages using short forms, it would be strange for your child to reply using complete sentences.
Most teenagers will rebel when they are forced to change and will become even more defiant. The best way to understand a teenager and to encourage him to do the right thing is to stop finding fault with him. Try not to pick on such issues which will are not crucial to his character and learning styles.
However, you can continue to sms him in complete sentences if you like, so that he knows that you are not used to answering in sms language. Soon, he may end up replying you in complete sentences.
As for the compositions he writes, please leave this to the teachers to deal with him. If the teachers in school are not making any effort to change his writing style, it would be better for you to speak with his teachers about your concerns. If he continues to fail in his compositions, he will soon learn to write sensibly.
You can also provide lots of good reading materials for your child to read and many opportunities to write without the fear of failing or making mistakes. This way your child will gain greater confidence in his speaking, reading and writing skills.
Julia Gabriel: SMS, email, blog sites and other forms of technology are not nonsense! They represent the means by which young people communicate with each other. Far from wiping this out, we adults need to learn to communicate this way, or our children will stop communicating with us. Young people are the ones who create language evolution for the next generation. So let's accept it, celebrate its range, diversity and efficiency, and then make sure our children know the difference between the language of text and technology and the Standard English they need for compositions, examinations, interviews and other formal situations. Children need exposure to many styles of language to help them differentiate, discover what is important in each situation and build communication skills suitable for adult life in a global world that advances at a pace they must keep up with.
Article from Family.sg/ Education
Our exclusive Q&A with the two veterans in the education scene, Patricia Koh and Julia Gabriel, continues...
My tween/teen communicates via SMS a lot and she’s even used SMS language in her compositions! What can I do to stop this nonsense?
Pat Koh: Most children model after their peers and their parents. If his peers reply messages using short forms, it would be strange for your child to reply using complete sentences.
Most teenagers will rebel when they are forced to change and will become even more defiant. The best way to understand a teenager and to encourage him to do the right thing is to stop finding fault with him. Try not to pick on such issues which will are not crucial to his character and learning styles.
However, you can continue to sms him in complete sentences if you like, so that he knows that you are not used to answering in sms language. Soon, he may end up replying you in complete sentences.
As for the compositions he writes, please leave this to the teachers to deal with him. If the teachers in school are not making any effort to change his writing style, it would be better for you to speak with his teachers about your concerns. If he continues to fail in his compositions, he will soon learn to write sensibly.
You can also provide lots of good reading materials for your child to read and many opportunities to write without the fear of failing or making mistakes. This way your child will gain greater confidence in his speaking, reading and writing skills.
Julia Gabriel: SMS, email, blog sites and other forms of technology are not nonsense! They represent the means by which young people communicate with each other. Far from wiping this out, we adults need to learn to communicate this way, or our children will stop communicating with us. Young people are the ones who create language evolution for the next generation. So let's accept it, celebrate its range, diversity and efficiency, and then make sure our children know the difference between the language of text and technology and the Standard English they need for compositions, examinations, interviews and other formal situations. Children need exposure to many styles of language to help them differentiate, discover what is important in each situation and build communication skills suitable for adult life in a global world that advances at a pace they must keep up with.
Article from Family.sg/ Education
Tech Me to School
What the tech revolution means to parents
You know your IM from iN2015. You have a family blog, and you play Warcraft like a pro (almost). So you think you're tech-savvy? Your kids are light years ahead, riding on a technological supernova in schools.
All around the island, educational institutions are harnessing the power of IT for everyday tasks like homework, as well as ground-breaking projects.
Take, for instance, Fuhua Primary, which has used Pocket PCs (PDAs or Personal Digital Assistants) and Flashloggers (integrated data logging systems) to promote an inquiry-based approach in the learning of science.
It started with the Primary 5 and 6 cohorts in 2004 and extended it to the Primary 3 and 4 cohorts last year. The pay-off: it gave pupils more time to plan and design experiments, as well as analyse data.
Meanwhile, pupils at Hong Kah Primary School publish their learning journals online at a blog site (www.multiply.com). "Blogging adds value to the learning process as pupils are captivated by the new form of writing and communication," says Leslie Lai, the school’s IT head, in an article published on the Ministry of Education’s website.
"Pupils also make use of the online discussion tools that are available on the website to discuss topics posed by the teachers."
Students in River Valley High, Monks Hill Secondary, Crescent Girls' and Catholic High have access to tablet PCs so they can study in a digital classroom environment and download information from the Internet wherever they may be. They are part of the BackPack.NET Pilots and Trials initiative (a strategic collaboration between IDA and Microsoft).
And early this year, Anglican High bought 5 SMART Interactive Whiteboards (IWBs) — a tool that combines a projector, computer and whiteboard, and which operates much like a touch-screen device.
Jimmy Tan, the school's science teacher and IWB coordinator, says this means students are no longer passive learners. "Students are able to learn better and faster. It changes the dynamics of the entire class," he says.
The future of school
Expect even more changes in the next nine years. In June, the government unveiled Intelligent Nation 2015, or iN2015 — a 10-year, multi-billion dollar infocomm masterplan to transform Singapore into an Intelligent Nation and Global City by 2015.
Its plans for homes and schools include:
At least 90 per cent of homes will have broadband access (up from 54 per cent now)
Every household with school-going children, no matter how poor, should have a computer with Internet access.Students will have anytime, anywhere connectivity and access to digital resources
15 to 20 per cent of schools will be designated as Experimental Schools, which will try out innovations applications in teaching.
Another five per cent will be Schools of the Future, leading the technology charge.
The Ministry Of Education’s Evaluation of Implementation of Masterplan for IT in Education Report 2001 showed that more than two-thirds of the pupils surveyed agreed that “the use of IT increases their knowledge".
Those who will succeed in the 21st century are those who can "learn, unlearn, and relearn", said futurist Alvin Toffler. To this end, teachers and parents still have an important role to play in developing the 'heartware' of the 21st century child – the EQ and CQ factors that determine true winners in life.
Article from Family.sg/ Education
You know your IM from iN2015. You have a family blog, and you play Warcraft like a pro (almost). So you think you're tech-savvy? Your kids are light years ahead, riding on a technological supernova in schools.
All around the island, educational institutions are harnessing the power of IT for everyday tasks like homework, as well as ground-breaking projects.
Take, for instance, Fuhua Primary, which has used Pocket PCs (PDAs or Personal Digital Assistants) and Flashloggers (integrated data logging systems) to promote an inquiry-based approach in the learning of science.
It started with the Primary 5 and 6 cohorts in 2004 and extended it to the Primary 3 and 4 cohorts last year. The pay-off: it gave pupils more time to plan and design experiments, as well as analyse data. Meanwhile, pupils at Hong Kah Primary School publish their learning journals online at a blog site (www.multiply.com). "Blogging adds value to the learning process as pupils are captivated by the new form of writing and communication," says Leslie Lai, the school’s IT head, in an article published on the Ministry of Education’s website.
"Pupils also make use of the online discussion tools that are available on the website to discuss topics posed by the teachers."
Students in River Valley High, Monks Hill Secondary, Crescent Girls' and Catholic High have access to tablet PCs so they can study in a digital classroom environment and download information from the Internet wherever they may be. They are part of the BackPack.NET Pilots and Trials initiative (a strategic collaboration between IDA and Microsoft).
And early this year, Anglican High bought 5 SMART Interactive Whiteboards (IWBs) — a tool that combines a projector, computer and whiteboard, and which operates much like a touch-screen device.
Jimmy Tan, the school's science teacher and IWB coordinator, says this means students are no longer passive learners. "Students are able to learn better and faster. It changes the dynamics of the entire class," he says.
The future of school
Expect even more changes in the next nine years. In June, the government unveiled Intelligent Nation 2015, or iN2015 — a 10-year, multi-billion dollar infocomm masterplan to transform Singapore into an Intelligent Nation and Global City by 2015.
Its plans for homes and schools include:
At least 90 per cent of homes will have broadband access (up from 54 per cent now)
Every household with school-going children, no matter how poor, should have a computer with Internet access.Students will have anytime, anywhere connectivity and access to digital resources
15 to 20 per cent of schools will be designated as Experimental Schools, which will try out innovations applications in teaching.
Another five per cent will be Schools of the Future, leading the technology charge.
The Ministry Of Education’s Evaluation of Implementation of Masterplan for IT in Education Report 2001 showed that more than two-thirds of the pupils surveyed agreed that “the use of IT increases their knowledge".
Those who will succeed in the 21st century are those who can "learn, unlearn, and relearn", said futurist Alvin Toffler. To this end, teachers and parents still have an important role to play in developing the 'heartware' of the 21st century child – the EQ and CQ factors that determine true winners in life.
Article from Family.sg/ Education
Child's Play
Is your kid spending a lot of time playing video games?
Q. What is your opinion of Nintendo and other kinds of video games? They’ve been claiming a big portion of our son’s time over the past few months, and I’m getting uneasy about it.
A. Depending on the particular games in question, you may have a valid cause for concern. Dr. Vince Hammond, head of the National Coalition on Television Violence, has described the potentially harmful nature of video games, especially those with violent themes. Some observers have come to the conclusion that these games can become obsessive and encourage aggressive behaviour. There’s even evidence to suggest that children between the ages of eight and 10 are 80 per cent more likely to fight with one another after playing with them. I’d advise you to put clear limits on the amount of time your son will be allowed to spend with video games or the Internet so that he won’t become obsessed with them. Insist that he avoid the violent ones altogether. With realistic guidelines I think it’s possible to keep this kind of activity under control rather than let it control your son and your family.
Dr. James Dobson is the founder Focus On The Family. The answer above is extracted from Solid Answers.
Article from Family.sg/ Healthy Behaviour
Q. What is your opinion of Nintendo and other kinds of video games? They’ve been claiming a big portion of our son’s time over the past few months, and I’m getting uneasy about it.
A. Depending on the particular games in question, you may have a valid cause for concern. Dr. Vince Hammond, head of the National Coalition on Television Violence, has described the potentially harmful nature of video games, especially those with violent themes. Some observers have come to the conclusion that these games can become obsessive and encourage aggressive behaviour. There’s even evidence to suggest that children between the ages of eight and 10 are 80 per cent more likely to fight with one another after playing with them. I’d advise you to put clear limits on the amount of time your son will be allowed to spend with video games or the Internet so that he won’t become obsessed with them. Insist that he avoid the violent ones altogether. With realistic guidelines I think it’s possible to keep this kind of activity under control rather than let it control your son and your family.
Dr. James Dobson is the founder Focus On The Family. The answer above is extracted from Solid Answers.
Article from Family.sg/ Healthy Behaviour
Exam Letdown
How do you encourage your child to persevere?
Q. My child did not do well in the mid-year exams but she is taking a defeatist attitude and is not at all motivated about revising what she is weak in. She has been saying things like, "I will never score good marks, so what's the use?" How can we encourage her to persevere?
A. Failure in the eyes of a child is often translated into an inability rather than a missed opportunity. It is hard for them to comprehend that there are redemptive points in a failure that they can later turn around to their advantage. They take offence and wallow in such personal letdowns and cannot see beyond the need to persevere; hence, the defeatist attitude.
For a start, explore with her the reasons for this recent setback. It could well be that the exams were unduly difficult. Her self-deprecating remark is a sign that she is engaged in an emotional tussle between losing faith in herself and an overwhelming sense of failing to meet up to parental expectations.
At this crucial point, you need to prune the negatives and lavish her with affirmatives. Similarly, you may have to coach her through her homework and equip her with good study skills. Share some personal anecdotes about your past failures and strategies that convert defeats into turnaround triumphs.
A loving partnership and mutual accountability pave the way toward a winning formula in educating your child. She will, in due time, flourish in such a secure and trusting family environment.
Her delight? Parents who permit inevitable failures to become a learning platform to launch the other successes in life!
Chong Cheh Hoon is a Counsellor with Focus on the Family Singapore
Article from Family.sg/ Healthy Behaviour
Q. My child did not do well in the mid-year exams but she is taking a defeatist attitude and is not at all motivated about revising what she is weak in. She has been saying things like, "I will never score good marks, so what's the use?" How can we encourage her to persevere?
A. Failure in the eyes of a child is often translated into an inability rather than a missed opportunity. It is hard for them to comprehend that there are redemptive points in a failure that they can later turn around to their advantage. They take offence and wallow in such personal letdowns and cannot see beyond the need to persevere; hence, the defeatist attitude.
For a start, explore with her the reasons for this recent setback. It could well be that the exams were unduly difficult. Her self-deprecating remark is a sign that she is engaged in an emotional tussle between losing faith in herself and an overwhelming sense of failing to meet up to parental expectations.
At this crucial point, you need to prune the negatives and lavish her with affirmatives. Similarly, you may have to coach her through her homework and equip her with good study skills. Share some personal anecdotes about your past failures and strategies that convert defeats into turnaround triumphs.
A loving partnership and mutual accountability pave the way toward a winning formula in educating your child. She will, in due time, flourish in such a secure and trusting family environment.
Her delight? Parents who permit inevitable failures to become a learning platform to launch the other successes in life!
Chong Cheh Hoon is a Counsellor with Focus on the Family Singapore
Article from Family.sg/ Healthy Behaviour
Saturday, February 23, 2008
The Big 'O'
Crossing hurdles during your child's 'O' Levels
It’s different when the 'O' Levels come around. By this time, your child is a teen with a mind of his own and there might be other hurdles to cross besides the academic ones.
• Handle With Care
Insurance agent Lucinda Wang, 45, had a hard time with her son, Sean, 16. In the months before his ‘O’ level exams, a serious addiction to computer games saw him neglecting his studies. "He withdrew from the family and became like this stranger in the household," recalls Lucinda with a pained look.
Despite the tears and tension, the family did not give up on him. Instead, they reached out and did their best to show him that they cared.
With some professional counselling, things started looking up, and the parent-child relationship also improved. Sean got back on track with his studies, and it is Lucinda's assessment that he gave the 'O' levels his best shot.
"Despite all the best intentions and preparations, one can never ever be totally prepared for what life will throw at us," observes psychiatrist Dr Sharon Chan of Sharon Chan Child Guidance Clinic.
"At the end of the day, it is the basic relationship that really carries one through. As parents, we should not lose focus on who our children really are and get sucked into this vortex of exams and results being the be-all and end-all to our children’s existence.
"Some parents subscribe to the view that the end justifies the means. So they would do whatever it takes to get their children to excel and deliver the goods, at whatever the cost. Personally, I don’t believe in that.”
• Set Target, Show Support
At the beginning of the year, parents should set out what their child can expect in Secondary Four and the amount of work that he or she is likely to have to put in. They should keep their own anxiety in check, however, and temper the relationship with patience, humour and optimism.
"It is not all doom and gloom," Chan insists. "Stress that it is going to be a challenging but great year, and that the family is in this together."
• Work Hard, Play Hard
All work and no play makes for an unhappy child — and that makes life difficult for everyone around him or her. "Aim to do some thing together as a family like picking up a sport to distress," Chan advises. "Be there for each other and support each other and everything else will fall into place."
Article from Family.sg/education
It’s different when the 'O' Levels come around. By this time, your child is a teen with a mind of his own and there might be other hurdles to cross besides the academic ones.
• Handle With Care
Insurance agent Lucinda Wang, 45, had a hard time with her son, Sean, 16. In the months before his ‘O’ level exams, a serious addiction to computer games saw him neglecting his studies. "He withdrew from the family and became like this stranger in the household," recalls Lucinda with a pained look.
Despite the tears and tension, the family did not give up on him. Instead, they reached out and did their best to show him that they cared.
With some professional counselling, things started looking up, and the parent-child relationship also improved. Sean got back on track with his studies, and it is Lucinda's assessment that he gave the 'O' levels his best shot.
"Despite all the best intentions and preparations, one can never ever be totally prepared for what life will throw at us," observes psychiatrist Dr Sharon Chan of Sharon Chan Child Guidance Clinic.
"At the end of the day, it is the basic relationship that really carries one through. As parents, we should not lose focus on who our children really are and get sucked into this vortex of exams and results being the be-all and end-all to our children’s existence.
"Some parents subscribe to the view that the end justifies the means. So they would do whatever it takes to get their children to excel and deliver the goods, at whatever the cost. Personally, I don’t believe in that.”
• Set Target, Show Support
At the beginning of the year, parents should set out what their child can expect in Secondary Four and the amount of work that he or she is likely to have to put in. They should keep their own anxiety in check, however, and temper the relationship with patience, humour and optimism.
"It is not all doom and gloom," Chan insists. "Stress that it is going to be a challenging but great year, and that the family is in this together."
• Work Hard, Play Hard
All work and no play makes for an unhappy child — and that makes life difficult for everyone around him or her. "Aim to do some thing together as a family like picking up a sport to distress," Chan advises. "Be there for each other and support each other and everything else will fall into place."
Article from Family.sg/education
The Lost Language of Love
Jack Neo speaks candidly about the lost connection
"Have you eaten? Have you finished your homework? How many marks did you get for your test?" These three questions, usually delivered at rapid-fire pace as Mum and Dad set foot at home at the end of the workday, sum up the communication between many Singapore parents and their offspring, says actor, movie director and recent Cultural Medallion winner Jack Neo.
And that's not a great place to start, says Jack, himself a father of four — a girl and three boys aged between one-and-a-half and 14. Of the nightly scenario that all too often dissolves into tears and recriminations, he says, "We haven't seen our kids for a whole day and yet that's how many of us say 'Hello' to them. How tactful is that? It's like asking the child for a report card of his achievements even before walking through the door?"
Of course, in checking up on their children, most parents would say they have the kids' interests at heart, but that is not enough. Looking relaxed in a casual oatmeal ensemble, he warms to his topic quickly and passionately, "When we nag our kids about their school work, we say it's our way of showing our love for them. But have we stopped to think that the way we show love can be sheer torture for the kids?"
We need to talk
This mismatch of good intentions, expressed as a breakdown in communications between parents and children is the central theme of I Not Stupid Too, the long awaited sequel to 2002's I Not Stupid, hailed as a cultural landmark that grappled with the weighty topic of Singapore's education system with a deft, sympathetic hand.
I Not Stupid Too follows the travails of three teenagers — Tom, his brother Jerry, and their schoolmate Cheng Chai — as they cope with the pressures of school, teen angst and the most galling of all challenges — parental expectations. The key roles are played by child stars, Shawn Lee, Joshua Ang and Ashley Leong.Veteran actor Huang Yi Liang returns to the screen, as does Jack himself, who plays a parent, alongside his screen spouse, actress Xiang Yun.
Through the movie, released in early 2006, he hoped to reach out to new audiences that his films had yet to win over, like schools, teachers and the English-educated. The movie's message — encapsulated in its subheading "Can We Talk?" — was certainly universal enough to strike a chord with parents of any persuasion.
Finding your way back
This issue of a wall of silence between parents and children has preoccupied Jack for years — he's talked to countless parents, done hours of research, including a trip to China to talk to a professor who has helped parents turn around wayward children through effective communication. It's a journey that has led him to explore the hidden syntax, and the elusive vocabulary of a language, more precisely, a lost language of love, between parents and children.
Says Jack, "I am very curious as to how many of us parents seem to think that if we make sure our children do well in their studies, our job is done. In fact, that's not true." Our fundamental duty as parents, he concludes after much soul searching, is to make sure our children feel loved and appreciated. Only then will they grow up confident enough to find their place in the world.
"When our kids are babies and toddlers, we know exactly how to love them, talk to them, feed them and cuddle them. Little children in Singapore are mostly well-loved and cherished. But as they grow up and go to school, we parents somehow lose our way."
He recounts how he once asked a group of children to draw a dragon, only to have them decline for fear of not drawing a 'nice' dragon. "But they are children; they should let their imagination take flight. How did they become so fearful and lacking in confidence?"
Adamant at first about not discussing his children, Jack is so wound up about his topic that he can't help but share an anecdote about his youngest son. "My boy loves cartoons and one day I said to him, 'Why don't you drawn your favourite characters?' At first, when he showed me his drawings, he was very hesitant. Bu the more I encouraged him, the more he improved; soon he was showing me a drawing almost every night. More importantly, I'd like to think, in some small way, he felt loved and appreciated."
If parents are looking for short cuts to win over their children, he has news for them: there are none. "Children are very intuitive; if you are not sincere, if you don't really mean what you say or if you aren't willing to spend the time with them, they can sense it."
So the message from this celebrated movie director with the flair for touching hearts is this: get to know your kids, and not just their school grades. Speak to them from your heart and rediscover a common language. While you are at it, watch I Not Stupid Too together.
Article from Family.sg/parenting
What's the Problem?
How parents can help their kids to manage stress
It's not a case of 'the luck of the draw' with how children negotiate the tween years. Increasingly, these can be as difficult as the infamous teen years, as boys and girls alike struggle to meet the extra academic demands of Primary Four (streaming), Five (PSLE prep) and Six (PSLE reality), while trying to avoid new social pitfalls:
• A talented swimmer winning gold medals feels forever destined to be the target of bitchy changing room gossip. At 12, she says she has "no friends".
• Another very accomplished 12-year-old is "never good enough" for herself, her mother observes.
And yet, well-adjusted 10- to 12-year-olds can still be found. One I discovered is an 11-year-old my children nicknamed Mei (since she's the youngest in a family with three kids).
Without a hint of self-consciousness about being older than the rest of the regular playground crowd, she tears about playing Freeze N' Melt (a version of catch) or Spiderman (another version of catch), and yells "permanent, poisonous, reflect" at whim when the game is yet a third version of catch.
She laughs a lot, smiles even more, and shows she really knows how to have a good time. Is she ever stressed? Well, yes.
STRATEGIC THINKING
• Friends forever
Mei's big on talking when things get testy. Once, when a game of Uno was boiling over, she was asked to choose sides. "That's too scary for me," she said immediately in response. "Let's get an adult here and figure out why we're so mad with each other."
That was her attempt to get a handle on a stressful situation, and she was wise enough to recognise when an outsider's help was needed.
KEY CONCEPT: Seems to me that she has good friends she’s made and sworn to keep – and that’s one of the stable things in her life.
• Blast the bravado
What impressed me was the phrase "too scary for me". She didn't try to hide behind a façade of being a know-it-all, at the expense of the other children around her – which would have led to the stress of, perhaps, being the baddie for that week.
"Let's get an adult here" was the SOS she wasn't too shy to send out.
KEY CONCEPT: Mei's learnt – to some extent – to think things through and ask for help when she needs it.
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
Child development specialists like Karen DeBord, PhD, of the North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service in the US might point out that a child learns to manage stress when provided with the appropriate environment.
This is not limited to a physical setting. Rather, it should encompass a mindset as well, and mums and dads can seek to provide "a stress-free environment based on social support, having the ability to find hope by thinking through solutions, and being able to anticipate stress and learn ways to avoid it", says DeBord.
She lists the following as key markers to build on:
• A healthy relationship with at least one parent or close adult
• Well-developed social skills
• Well-developed problem-solving skills
• Ability to act independently
• A sense of purpose and future
• At least one coping strategy
• A sense of positive self-esteem and personal responsibility
• Religious commitment
• Ability to focus attention
• Special interests and hobbies
WHAT TO DO?
Mums and dads have their own part to play, by
• developing trust
Listen, and take your children think through problems one step at a time and come up with solutions that are viable for them. Be open about your own feelings of stress, and help them create a mental picture of what they want to happen, not what they fear might happen. Acknowledge their emotions and let them know it is ok to feel angry, alone, scared or lonely.
• being supportive
Notice them! Besides being positive about them and giving praise when it is deserved, observe your children for such symptoms of stress as incessant quarrelling with friends or uncharacteristic distractedness.
Remember to reassure them with statements like "I love you", "You are a good girl" and "You can do it!" regularly. Where appropriate, look for the humour in stressful situations and laugh with them. Tell jokes and encourage them to tell jokes to relieve tension.
• having high, clear expectations without being overly rigid
While being realistic about your own expectations, teach your children also to view their talents positively. Avoid shaming, which damages their self-esteem.
• providing ways for children to contribute to the family in meaningful ways
Structure activities for cooperation rather than competition, and include the mundane household chores, offering an opinion, as well as the seasonal highlights like helping to put up the Chinese New Year decorations. "If your children know that they have roles to play and that they can help, they will feel more in control and more confident," says the American Psychological Association at www.apahelpcenter.org.
Says DeBord, "Children who live in supportive environments and develop a range of coping strategies become more resilient." In short, they grow into those people who can overcome stress and crisis and bounce back into life.
Article from Family.sg
The Weighing Game
How to steer your teens towards the road of good health
Walk along the street in Singapore and chances are, every other teenager you pass is on some kind of diet.
Dieting has become so common that almost half the teens in Singapore are watching their weight. A study published in the Singapore Medical Journal last year found that 42.5 per cent of Singaporeans aged 11 to 21 are actively dieting.
This figure even exceeds the 30.4 per cent found in a survey of American high school youths in 2000.
How did we come to this?
Dr P Parvathy, consultant at the Institute of Mental Health's Child Guidance Clinic, believes that as our society became more westernised, we have adopted the western idea that thinner is better.
"Thin means you are disciplined. If you are fat, people think you cannot control your impulses. Thin is also seen as beautiful because models, actresses and singers are all quite thin," she says.
The relentless assault on media images and messages that glorify slimness has deeply ingrained the thin ideal here. And the resulting widespread preoccupation with weight and prevalence of dieting has made some sensitive teens more susceptible to eating disorders.
Trim or fat
A study of anorexia nervosa patients in Singapore between 1994 and 2002 found the most vulnerable group to be 14- to 15-year-old girls, though there was one patient as young as six. The study also found that some 11 per cent of the patients were previously from the Trim and Fit (TAF) club in their schools.
Ironically, in trying to encourage these overweight children to lead a healthier lifestyle, the unwelcome focus on their size may have precipitated their eating disorder.
"I wouldn't blame the healthy lifestyle programme or the TAF clubs. But if a child already has some inner psychological conflict, this emphasis on their weight could become a trigger," says Parvathy.
Another irony is that increased awareness of eating disorders may have also helped fuel their rise. Media coverage of the problem could have given some children ideas they might otherwise not have had. "Sometimes it is not good to write too much about this either," she sighs.
Little miss perfect
Dr Lee Ee Lian, consultant psychiatrist and director of the Eating Disorders Programme at the Singapore General Hospital, thinks that these factors may contribute to the problem: the pressure to excel academically, as well as the limited time and opportunity children here have to develop coping skills and indulge in de-stressing activities.
Often, adds Pavarthy, eating disorder sufferers are the 'good girls' – the ones who do well in school. They usually have a perfectionist streak. Says Nichol Ng, 28, a former eating disorder patient who was from a top girls school, "In today's world, a young person feels the need to excel in every way, including looking good."
In school, she busied herself with multiple leadership roles on top of her school work. "On hindsight, I was trying to escape from something. Maybe I was trying to prove to everybody that I was better than what I seemed, and I could only do it by controlling my food, and through all these activities."
The root cause of an eating disorder is psychological. That is why treatment has to include psychiatric help, says Parvathy. But it is usually not easy to get sufferers to seek help.
"They can be so desperate not to lose control that they are as stubborn as mules," she adds.
Watch your words
But parents sometimes cannot afford not to act. Although death from an eating disorder is not common, it does happen. Often, death occurs because the disruption in the body's fluids and mineral levels has led to an electrolyte imbalance that causes the heart to stop beating.
To prevent such self-destructive behaviour, parents should try to ensure that their children grow up with a healthy body image. From the time the kids are very young, parents should watch the subtle messages they are sending out about eating and weight.
"Don't criticise people's weight and bodies, for example, when watching the Miss Universe contest on telly," says Lee.
And minimise parent-child battles over food. "I'm not saying you shouldn't encourage your child to eat healthily, but some parents overdo it," says Parvathy.
"They won't die if they occasionally eat a Magnum ice-cream!" says Lee. "All foods have their intrinsic value, whether nutritional or emotional, when taken in the appropriate quantities."
Article from Family.sg/youngteens
The Gay Issue
Myths and facts parents should be aware of
If a conversation about homosexuality continues for any length of time, you can be sure you’ll hear some statements that aren’t exactly true. Here are a few untruths you’re likely to encounter:
Homosexuality is genetic. It’s like another gender.
Many people are surprised to learn that no solid scientific evidence exists to indicate that there is a homosexual gene. The complex causes of homosexuality occur over the period of time from birth through adolescence. Later in life, as these factors converge, they play a strategic role in the choices people make involving their sexual relations.
Homosexuality is just another alternative lifestyle. It’s a good, healthy choice for some people.
The homosexual lifestyle is not a safe alternative. It involves physical, emotional and spiritual dangers, such as decreased life expectancy, disease, and high suicide rates.
Homosexuality cannot be prevented.
Genetic, psychological and social research confirm that a variety of causes sets the stage for homosexual choices. But gender confusion can be reversed. Biological predisposition can be treated. Patterns of attraction and addiction can be understood and reformed. These things, in fact, should be addressed before homosexual behaviour ever takes place.
Who's to blame?
Everyone asks, “So what is the cause of homosexuality?” Yet no one wants to point a finger at anyone or provide a simplistic reason for a condition that is incredibly complex.
Like many other adult problems, homosexuality begins at home. Mum and Dad are key players. Research from the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality in the US states, “One hundred per cent of the research participants stated their father/father figure was distant, uninvolved in their upbringing, frightening and unapproachable. Eighty-seven percent spoke of a mother who was close, controlling and overbearing.”
As important as parent-child dynamics are, they aren’t the only concerns. The following factors can also contribute to the homosexual orientation.
the individual person’s self-will
pornography
media and culture
spousal abuse in the home
molestation and paedophilia
parental adultery
moral relativism
seduction by peers
chemical imbalances
failure of leadership
Timely intervention
There are no perfect families, but hopefully parents will identify potential problems and deal with them before they begin. A focused, loving family with a good grasp of moral principles can develop a healthy gender identity in children from the day they are born.
Beyond the family, it is vital for concerned adults to be sensitive to the needs of at-risk youth. The prevention of homosexuality requires the involvement of the entire community: community leaders, teachers, peers, friends, extended family and youth workers who will reach out loving hands toward young men and women who are vulnerable to rejection, rebellion, confusion and temptation.
If we make an extra effort on behalf of kids who are gender confused or morally deceived, then we can eliminate one more myth: There’s nothing we can do about homosexuality.
– adapted from the article ‘An Ounce Of Prevention’, which first appeared in Focus on the Family magazine, copyright © 1999 Don Schmierer.
Keep the Peace
Stay cool when your teen engages you in an argument
The hormones do rage during the teen years. It is a fact extensively documented in academic journals, and even if you were simply to broach the subject with another parent of a teen, you’ll hear a treatise of how this phenomenon shows up in everyday life.
Well, hey, these are the years when the ‘birds and bees’ become real. While your teen may seem to have textbook knowledge about sexual matters, he or she still needs you to help mould his or her attitudes and decisions. Don’t avoid the topic. Count on the relationship you’ve built up so far to be open about your views and the values you advocate.
Some reminders:
Short is sweet
Your teen could be on the verge of turning into a rebel with a cause — his independence. He wants to be treated like an adult, and even if you don’t think he deserves the privilege, recognise that saying what’s on your mind simply and sincerely will hit home more effectively than an hour-long lecture during which no one’s taking notes (or notice).
Remember: “Adolescents need to know that there are adults who care about them and are cheering them on toward maturity,” says Amy Stephens, a youth policy expert at Focus on the Family.
Have faith
You’ve spent an entire lifetime honing your values. Don’t spew it all out in an extended “sit down and let’s talk” session. It’s going to go over your teen’s head. Look out instead for the teachable moments that surprise you every now and then, and seize the opportunities to communicate what matters to you (and, hopefully, should matter to your child too). Small ‘sound bytes’ might just find a groove or two in her heart, particularly those that relate to your family’s religious beliefs.
Remember: In early 2003, a study by the National Institutes of Health in the US of teenagers aged between 15 and 18 found that “teens – particularly girls – with strong religious views are less likely to have sex… largely because their religious views lead them to view the consequences of having sex negatively”.
Cool aid
Your principles about sex are not the easiest thing to talk about, and there will be times your teen won’t be interested in listening. Don’t lose your temper; a display of frustration will only build the barriers. Bring the subject up again another day, and continue to be available to talk things over.
Remember: “Studies have also borne out what most of us knew intuitively: Kids who have close, loving relationships with their parents are more likely to heed their parents’ advice to avoid risky behaviours such as drug and alcohol use and premarital sex,” says author Jerry Gramckow in his article, ‘Parenting For Purity’.
Article from Family.sg/youngteens
Go Go Go!
Make sure that your young teens are not getting burned out
Ken is a strapping young man of 13 who is a scout, a competitive golfer and a serious chess player. Those are the three Co-Curricular Activities (CCA) he’s involved in at school, and they take up the three weekday afternoons he counts as "out" – his one-word answer to anyone who asks if he might like to do something else on those days. He squeezes in an afternoon of Chinese tuition on another "out" day, and a round of golf with his dad sometime – which simply means, Ken explains, whenever they each have "some time". This happens on a weekly basis.
All in, there are precious few minutes leftover after the homework is done for his favourite pastime of channel surfing. "He's so busy," his mother confirms.
While mums and dads may hail the coming of secondary school life as a breath of fresh air compared to the pressure-cooker year of studying for the Primary Six Leaving Examination, they should watch out that their 13- to 15-year-olds are not bogged down by overscheduling.
Being on the go all the time can wear on energetic teens, just as it does on adults, and can be a leading cause of stress or even burnout. Sometimes, what makes things worse is that emotional distance can result from that physical fatigue.
Is there anything parents can do? Plenty.
WHAT TO DO
1. Take action
Help your child to take stock of her 'too busy' lifestyle. Among the suggestions counselors Tim Geare and Tim Sanford, both of Focus On The Family, give include asking her to
• List all the activities she’s committed to – daily, weekly, seasonally (this includes events like swimming carnivals or tennis championships) and occasionally (friends’ birthday parties, etc).
• Divide them into three groups: essential, important and pleasurable.
• Write down, beside each group, something she must say "no" to, in order to make that item a priority. Encourage her to take her time and to be honest.
• Determine if she’s doing too much, and suggest how she can adjust her schedule.
2. Make sleep a requirement
Sounds too simplistic a recommendation, but the reality is that many teens sacrifice a good night’s rest of eight to nine hours of sleep to finish all that they need to – whether Chinese compositions, Chemistry assignments, or maintaining a good friendship by chatting on multiple phone lines.
Experts at the National Research Centre For Women & Families in the US (www.center4research.org) have documented that most teens in a sleep laboratory sleep more than nine hours each night if given the opportunity. “It can be a vicious cycle: lack of sleep can make an individual more susceptible to stress, and stress often interferes with the ability to sleep,” note researchers Anne Gallo and Diana Zuckerman.
They’re still not too old for you to make a stand about their bedtime hours – especially since good sleep habits can have an impact on his or her future health and education.
3. Avoid stress overload.
Some stress is beneficial and even necessary for psychological development. However, too much can be debilitating. Before things become overwhelming, sit your teen down and:
• Help to identify what could cause stress (eg, tests and exams) and plan ways to avoid or deal with it (a reasonable schedule for revision). If necessary, provide opportunities to learn stress management techniques.
• Offer personal space. Quiet space (even if it is only his or her own desk in a corner of a room) and alone time should be allowed.
• Encourage strong relationships with friends and relatives, and don’t discount the value of small talk and laughter in the home.
Meanwhile, make the effort to establish contact with other parents of similar-age children. They can be helpful resources, as well as sounding boards. Take note also of how you vent your own stress and anger, since your teen will still take many cues from your behaviour!
Article from Family.sg/youngteens
Off Limits!
Teens still need their parents to set boundaries
The teenage years hit children and parents equally forcefully. Teens feel as if a new lease of life has been opened up to them; parents, a new set of problems.
No prizes for guessing that parents are the ones weighed down by concern. The sweet kids they used to know have become teens that go out constantly and talk back consistently. Should Mum and Dad let the bad behaviour pass?
Experts who have posted their views on parenting websites say no, and that a healthy balance can be found between too little discipline (read: kids go hog wild) and too much (a surefire way to invite rebellion into the home).
The kids should have a good idea of what you expect of them by now and where the limits have been placed. Still, it never hurts for them to be reminded of what they can and cannot do. For instance, if a "no loud music" rule applies in your home, it should continue to be enforced and the reasons for it restated.
"When a parent finds out that a child has overstepped his boundaries, betrayed a parent's trust or disregarded a household rule, it is the adult's responsibility to issue a consequence," says Debra Johanyk at www.pagewise.com. Besides even if teens do not show it, they count on "the security of parents who keep watch (over them) and respond accordingly."
"Accordingly" could be taken to mean that your style of discipline reflects your realisation that you are now dealing with a teenager. Parents should no longer be authoritarian, as they might choose to be with younger children, but they can be authoritative. The goal is to show that the boundaries remain intact in the best interests of the child, and the discipline meted out is aimed to set them squarely on a path that leads them to become responsible adults.
The Kansas State University Cooperative Extension Service, which offers an online course in "Responsive Discipline" at www.ksu.ed/wwparent/courses, includes this advice, "By setting and enforcing reasonable limits, we help children learn self-control. Limits contribute to the child's understanding of right and wrong and the development of values that emphasise the feelings and needs of others…The ultimate goal of discipline is an adult with a personal sense of responsibility.”
Article from Family.sg/ youngteens
Teen Scream!!
Break your teens' code and gain their respect
You: "Where have you been?"
Your teen: "Out."
You: "What did you do?"
Your teen: "Nothing."
Sound familiar?
Raising a teen requires finesse – which, according to author Timothy Smith, is "the fine act of knowing when to get involved and when to walk away."
Smith continues: "At the core of this balance is trust."
But get this: Teenagers desperately want their parents' trust. It's one of their crying needs – the foremost among seven that has been listed in a 2003 book entitled The Seven Cries Of Today's Teens.
Drawing on research done by the Gallup Youth Survey, author Timothy Smith elaborates on these cries with advice that may shock parents fumbling with the adolescents in their homes. While his work has been done among teenagers in the US, his insights are applicable to families in any cosmopolitan city.
All over the developed world, in fact, teenagers could come under Smith's label of the "millennials" – for the obvious reason that they are a generation that has emerged at the end of one millennium and the beginning of another. They are generally defined as a people who were born between 1982 and 2002.
And, perhaps because of the music they listen to – homogenised by MTV – they are less different from their peers internationally than ever before. In essence, they are:
• Extreme
You need to look nowhere else than to the popularity of extreme sports to follow this train of thought: extreme in-line skating and vertical ramp biking, skateboarding and wakeboarding, even extreme rock climbing. "The fashion, the equipment, the language, the culture, the death-defying flips and in-your-face attitude capture the essence of millennials," says Smith.
However, look beyond that and – according to Smith – you will find that "they aren't caught up in the I'm-cooler-than-you credo that Generation X lived by. They do care, and they typically adopt traditional values of community, stability, home, family life, and education."
• Neotraditional
"They are, in a word, 'neotraditionalists'," he continues. "They may look extreme with their haircuts, fashions, and penchant for the fringe, but deep inside is a longing for ideals to believe in, a purpose to pursue, and a family or group of friends to accompany them."
Hearing the call
Evaluating six years' worth of Gallup Youth Surveys, as well as another designed especially for the writing of his book, Smith identified the millennials' seven crying needs, in the hope that parents, in particular, would work harder at "connecting" with their teens. In order of frequency of mention, these "cries" are:
• a cry for trust
"Millennials have a fairly clear idea of what they want in the future, but they don't know how to get there or who will help them. Most are open to a closer relationship with their parents, or a mentor, or both ... They are ambitious enough to succeed, but they are confused about the meaning, purpose, and direction of life. They need trusted guides who know the way, but for many no adults are around to protect them or show them the way," he writes.
• a cry for love
Alarmingly, Smith discovered that many teens do not feel loved even though their parents say "I love you" or hug them regularly. "In order to feel loved, they need to experience love in their love key" – which includes giving them focused time, words of affirmation, and even staying committed to the marriage relationship. "Some of this does not seem logical to parents – and that is the point. Successfully relating to teenagers is not logic-based. You can't always think your way out of a problem with your teenager or reason your way into a closer relationship. Sometimes with millennials, you are better to feel your way," Smith advises.
• a cry for security
"Teens are looking for borders," he says. "Borders protect our teens and allow them to be relatively carefree as they pass through their last stage of childhood. Teenagers are frightened to live in a culture that doesn't protect them, hurries them into adulthood and adult-sized problems, and doesn’t equip them to handle adult problems."
• a cry for purpose
The millennials' need to believe life is meaningful is palpable. However, many do not take the time to reflect on their lives, and that is one cause of their lack of purpose. Smith blames overly-packed schedules and the media barrage. As a result, teens make decisions with a "mosaic morality– a little of this combined with a little of that", he describes. "Millennials desire meaning and morals, but they don't often have the time, energy, and examples to build an integrated moral base. Since they make decisions based on ever-changing criteria, they are often disappointed with the results."
• a cry to be heard
"They have high hopes for the future but feel so-so about the present," Smith cautions. "Most would welcome a serious discussion with a caring adult. They are eager to share their opinions and are looking for compassionate adults to interact with."
• a cry to be valued
In a culture that is increasingly anti-children, many teens feel alone. More than ever, Smith insists, "they need their parents and other mentors and guides to protect them and to help them process ideas and shapes values. Our teens are looking for rites of passage that affirm their progress as they develop."
• a cry for support
Contrary to what many parents believe, teens today "want to be connected and are open to learn from those who have gone before. They want to be included and to make a difference. They feel supported when they are included in our processes and allowed some autonomy to make decisions."
Smith urges: "We need to strategically plan support for our teens, because man of them feel that we spend all our efforts at work and that we have little to offer them in their aspirations."
Article from Family.sg/ youngteens
Parent Realist
It makes sense to be realistic about your teen's life
Ken was all of 13 when his father taught him to bet. The lessons were given out on the golfing green, and the boy had to pay for each loss out of his own pocket money.
"He felt his son was going to learn to bet anyway, so he might as well be the one to teach him about it," his mother told me. "He's quite thorough, actually – he talks to Ken about assessing the odds, and I know he always reminds him to bet within his limits.
"At first I was against it, but now I see that it’s okay. Ken is very cautious. Too cautious – his father says."
So here’s a textbook example of how a Parent Realist did things correctly:
• The situation was clearly analysed – check.
• The parent was realistic about his power to control it – check.
• He made the attempt to set up an environment that would protect his child – check.
More than the full marks on every score, however, was the pay-off that the approach brought. Already close on account of their common interest in golf, father and son established a new rapport with Ken appreciating that Dad was in touch with the real world – and his, in particular; and Dad being proud of Ken’s growing ability to make sensible decisions.
The right stuff
That's the kind of relationship Dr Ron Taffel seems to be referring to, when the family therapist talks about being a Parent Realist. It's the role he recommends Mums and Dads take on, to stay connected to their teenagers. The simple reason: "Teenagers themselves report that the most important relationships they have are with their parents."
Indeed, a study of some 1000 American teens between 12 and 19 found that, "Contrary to the belief that teenagers must 'emancipate' themselves and therefore separate from their parents in order to become adults, the researchers concluded that 'the bond to parents is not severed so much as it is transformed'," Taffel reports.
And how should this transformation take place? In his book, Parenting By Heart, Taffel gives the following advice:
• Be pragmatic
Don't say, "No lah, my son isn't the kind to bet."
Do recognise that gambling is a reality in Singapore, and soon to be an even larger one.
Remember: Unrealistic expectations separate parents from their teens.
• Take an interest, and show it
Don't say, "Britney Spears is such an air head."
Do surprise your teen and learn to sing 'Me Against The Music'. Even if you're not impressed, she will be.
Remember: "They want to know that you take their world seriously," says Taffel. "It makes them feel connected."
• Be honest about yourself
Don't say, "It was just a game, don't hold a grudge against Peter for being on the winning team" if you're a sore loser yourself.
Do ask yourself, instead, if you are inadvertently sending out the "do as I say, not as I do" message.
Remember: "Adolescents have radar when it comes to our unspoken or unaddressed problems," Taffel warns. "And much of their acting out is because we're not being realistic about ourselves."
"Teenagers move back and forth between grand dreams about themselves and hard-nosed reality," concludes Taffel. "In order to stay connected to our teenagers, then, we have to do the same thing. We have to be Parent Realists who can see past our own grandiose ideas about how much we can control our kids and control who they are. We have to focus on what is: who they really are (whether we like them or not), what their world is about, and who we are."
Article from Family.sg/youngteens
Ken was all of 13 when his father taught him to bet. The lessons were given out on the golfing green, and the boy had to pay for each loss out of his own pocket money.
"He felt his son was going to learn to bet anyway, so he might as well be the one to teach him about it," his mother told me. "He's quite thorough, actually – he talks to Ken about assessing the odds, and I know he always reminds him to bet within his limits.
"At first I was against it, but now I see that it’s okay. Ken is very cautious. Too cautious – his father says."
So here’s a textbook example of how a Parent Realist did things correctly:
• The situation was clearly analysed – check.
• The parent was realistic about his power to control it – check.
• He made the attempt to set up an environment that would protect his child – check.
More than the full marks on every score, however, was the pay-off that the approach brought. Already close on account of their common interest in golf, father and son established a new rapport with Ken appreciating that Dad was in touch with the real world – and his, in particular; and Dad being proud of Ken’s growing ability to make sensible decisions.
The right stuff
That's the kind of relationship Dr Ron Taffel seems to be referring to, when the family therapist talks about being a Parent Realist. It's the role he recommends Mums and Dads take on, to stay connected to their teenagers. The simple reason: "Teenagers themselves report that the most important relationships they have are with their parents."
Indeed, a study of some 1000 American teens between 12 and 19 found that, "Contrary to the belief that teenagers must 'emancipate' themselves and therefore separate from their parents in order to become adults, the researchers concluded that 'the bond to parents is not severed so much as it is transformed'," Taffel reports.
And how should this transformation take place? In his book, Parenting By Heart, Taffel gives the following advice:
• Be pragmatic
Don't say, "No lah, my son isn't the kind to bet."
Do recognise that gambling is a reality in Singapore, and soon to be an even larger one.
Remember: Unrealistic expectations separate parents from their teens.
• Take an interest, and show it
Don't say, "Britney Spears is such an air head."
Do surprise your teen and learn to sing 'Me Against The Music'. Even if you're not impressed, she will be.
Remember: "They want to know that you take their world seriously," says Taffel. "It makes them feel connected."
• Be honest about yourself
Don't say, "It was just a game, don't hold a grudge against Peter for being on the winning team" if you're a sore loser yourself.
Do ask yourself, instead, if you are inadvertently sending out the "do as I say, not as I do" message.
Remember: "Adolescents have radar when it comes to our unspoken or unaddressed problems," Taffel warns. "And much of their acting out is because we're not being realistic about ourselves."
"Teenagers move back and forth between grand dreams about themselves and hard-nosed reality," concludes Taffel. "In order to stay connected to our teenagers, then, we have to do the same thing. We have to be Parent Realists who can see past our own grandiose ideas about how much we can control our kids and control who they are. We have to focus on what is: who they really are (whether we like them or not), what their world is about, and who we are."
Article from Family.sg/youngteens
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