Parent Realist

It makes sense to be realistic about your teen's life


Ken was all of 13 when his father taught him to bet. The lessons were given out on the golfing green, and the boy had to pay for each loss out of his own pocket money.

"He felt his son was going to learn to bet anyway, so he might as well be the one to teach him about it," his mother told me. "He's quite thorough, actually – he talks to Ken about assessing the odds, and I know he always reminds him to bet within his limits.

"At first I was against it, but now I see that it’s okay. Ken is very cautious. Too cautious – his father says."

So here’s a textbook example of how a Parent Realist did things correctly:
• The situation was clearly analysed – check.
• The parent was realistic about his power to control it – check.
• He made the attempt to set up an environment that would protect his child – check.
More than the full marks on every score, however, was the pay-off that the approach brought. Already close on account of their common interest in golf, father and son established a new rapport with Ken appreciating that Dad was in touch with the real world – and his, in particular; and Dad being proud of Ken’s growing ability to make sensible decisions.

The right stuff
That's the kind of relationship Dr Ron Taffel seems to be referring to, when the family therapist talks about being a Parent Realist. It's the role he recommends Mums and Dads take on, to stay connected to their teenagers. The simple reason: "Teenagers themselves report that the most important relationships they have are with their parents."

Indeed, a study of some 1000 American teens between 12 and 19 found that, "Contrary to the belief that teenagers must 'emancipate' themselves and therefore separate from their parents in order to become adults, the researchers concluded that 'the bond to parents is not severed so much as it is transformed'," Taffel reports.

And how should this transformation take place? In his book, Parenting By Heart, Taffel gives the following advice:

• Be pragmatic
Don't say, "No lah, my son isn't the kind to bet."
Do recognise that gambling is a reality in Singapore, and soon to be an even larger one.
Remember: Unrealistic expectations separate parents from their teens.

• Take an interest, and show it
Don't say, "Britney Spears is such an air head."
Do surprise your teen and learn to sing 'Me Against The Music'. Even if you're not impressed, she will be.
Remember: "They want to know that you take their world seriously," says Taffel. "It makes them feel connected."

• Be honest about yourself
Don't say, "It was just a game, don't hold a grudge against Peter for being on the winning team" if you're a sore loser yourself.
Do ask yourself, instead, if you are inadvertently sending out the "do as I say, not as I do" message.
Remember: "Adolescents have radar when it comes to our unspoken or unaddressed problems," Taffel warns. "And much of their acting out is because we're not being realistic about ourselves."

"Teenagers move back and forth between grand dreams about themselves and hard-nosed reality," concludes Taffel. "In order to stay connected to our teenagers, then, we have to do the same thing. We have to be Parent Realists who can see past our own grandiose ideas about how much we can control our kids and control who they are. We have to focus on what is: who they really are (whether we like them or not), what their world is about, and who we are."

Article from Family.sg/youngteens