What's the Problem?

How parents can help their kids to manage stress

It's not a case of 'the luck of the draw' with how children negotiate the tween years. Increasingly, these can be as difficult as the infamous teen years, as boys and girls alike struggle to meet the extra academic demands of Primary Four (streaming), Five (PSLE prep) and Six (PSLE reality), while trying to avoid new social pitfalls:
• A talented swimmer winning gold medals feels forever destined to be the target of bitchy changing room gossip. At 12, she says she has "no friends".
• Another very accomplished 12-year-old is "never good enough" for herself, her mother observes.
And yet, well-adjusted 10- to 12-year-olds can still be found. One I discovered is an 11-year-old my children nicknamed Mei (since she's the youngest in a family with three kids).

Without a hint of self-consciousness about being older than the rest of the regular playground crowd, she tears about playing Freeze N' Melt (a version of catch) or Spiderman (another version of catch), and yells "permanent, poisonous, reflect" at whim when the game is yet a third version of catch.

She laughs a lot, smiles even more, and shows she really knows how to have a good time. Is she ever stressed? Well, yes.

STRATEGIC THINKING
• Friends forever
Mei's big on talking when things get testy. Once, when a game of Uno was boiling over, she was asked to choose sides. "That's too scary for me," she said immediately in response. "Let's get an adult here and figure out why we're so mad with each other."
That was her attempt to get a handle on a stressful situation, and she was wise enough to recognise when an outsider's help was needed.
KEY CONCEPT: Seems to me that she has good friends she’s made and sworn to keep – and that’s one of the stable things in her life.

• Blast the bravado
What impressed me was the phrase "too scary for me". She didn't try to hide behind a façade of being a know-it-all, at the expense of the other children around her – which would have led to the stress of, perhaps, being the baddie for that week.
"Let's get an adult here" was the SOS she wasn't too shy to send out.
KEY CONCEPT: Mei's learnt – to some extent – to think things through and ask for help when she needs it.

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
Child development specialists like Karen DeBord, PhD, of the North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service in the US might point out that a child learns to manage stress when provided with the appropriate environment.


This is not limited to a physical setting. Rather, it should encompass a mindset as well, and mums and dads can seek to provide "a stress-free environment based on social support, having the ability to find hope by thinking through solutions, and being able to anticipate stress and learn ways to avoid it", says DeBord.

She lists the following as key markers to build on:
• A healthy relationship with at least one parent or close adult
• Well-developed social skills
• Well-developed problem-solving skills
• Ability to act independently
• A sense of purpose and future
• At least one coping strategy
• A sense of positive self-esteem and personal responsibility
• Religious commitment
• Ability to focus attention
• Special interests and hobbies

WHAT TO DO?
Mums and dads have their own part to play, by
• developing trust
Listen, and take your children think through problems one step at a time and come up with solutions that are viable for them. Be open about your own feelings of stress, and help them create a mental picture of what they want to happen, not what they fear might happen. Acknowledge their emotions and let them know it is ok to feel angry, alone, scared or lonely.

• being supportive
Notice them! Besides being positive about them and giving praise when it is deserved, observe your children for such symptoms of stress as incessant quarrelling with friends or uncharacteristic distractedness.
Remember to reassure them with statements like "I love you", "You are a good girl" and "You can do it!" regularly. Where appropriate, look for the humour in stressful situations and laugh with them. Tell jokes and encourage them to tell jokes to relieve tension.

• having high, clear expectations without being overly rigid
While being realistic about your own expectations, teach your children also to view their talents positively. Avoid shaming, which damages their self-esteem.

• providing ways for children to contribute to the family in meaningful ways
Structure activities for cooperation rather than competition, and include the mundane household chores, offering an opinion, as well as the seasonal highlights like helping to put up the Chinese New Year decorations. "If your children know that they have roles to play and that they can help, they will feel more in control and more confident," says the American Psychological Association at www.apahelpcenter.org.

Says DeBord, "Children who live in supportive environments and develop a range of coping strategies become more resilient." In short, they grow into those people who can overcome stress and crisis and bounce back into life.

Article from Family.sg