Teen Scream!!

Break your teens' code and gain their respect


You: "Where have you been?"
Your teen: "Out."
You: "What did you do?"
Your teen: "Nothing."

Sound familiar?

Raising a teen requires finesse – which, according to author Timothy Smith, is "the fine act of knowing when to get involved and when to walk away."

Smith continues: "At the core of this balance is trust."

But get this: Teenagers desperately want their parents' trust. It's one of their crying needs – the foremost among seven that has been listed in a 2003 book entitled The Seven Cries Of Today's Teens.

Drawing on research done by the Gallup Youth Survey, author Timothy Smith elaborates on these cries with advice that may shock parents fumbling with the adolescents in their homes. While his work has been done among teenagers in the US, his insights are applicable to families in any cosmopolitan city.

All over the developed world, in fact, teenagers could come under Smith's label of the "millennials" – for the obvious reason that they are a generation that has emerged at the end of one millennium and the beginning of another. They are generally defined as a people who were born between 1982 and 2002.

And, perhaps because of the music they listen to – homogenised by MTV – they are less different from their peers internationally than ever before. In essence, they are:

• Extreme
You need to look nowhere else than to the popularity of extreme sports to follow this train of thought: extreme in-line skating and vertical ramp biking, skateboarding and wakeboarding, even extreme rock climbing. "The fashion, the equipment, the language, the culture, the death-defying flips and in-your-face attitude capture the essence of millennials," says Smith.
However, look beyond that and – according to Smith – you will find that "they aren't caught up in the I'm-cooler-than-you credo that Generation X lived by. They do care, and they typically adopt traditional values of community, stability, home, family life, and education."

• Neotraditional
"They are, in a word, 'neotraditionalists'," he continues. "They may look extreme with their haircuts, fashions, and penchant for the fringe, but deep inside is a longing for ideals to believe in, a purpose to pursue, and a family or group of friends to accompany them."

Hearing the call
Evaluating six years' worth of Gallup Youth Surveys, as well as another designed especially for the writing of his book, Smith identified the millennials' seven crying needs, in the hope that parents, in particular, would work harder at "connecting" with their teens. In order of frequency of mention, these "cries" are:

• a cry for trust
"Millennials have a fairly clear idea of what they want in the future, but they don't know how to get there or who will help them. Most are open to a closer relationship with their parents, or a mentor, or both ... They are ambitious enough to succeed, but they are confused about the meaning, purpose, and direction of life. They need trusted guides who know the way, but for many no adults are around to protect them or show them the way," he writes.

• a cry for love
Alarmingly, Smith discovered that many teens do not feel loved even though their parents say "I love you" or hug them regularly. "In order to feel loved, they need to experience love in their love key" – which includes giving them focused time, words of affirmation, and even staying committed to the marriage relationship. "Some of this does not seem logical to parents – and that is the point. Successfully relating to teenagers is not logic-based. You can't always think your way out of a problem with your teenager or reason your way into a closer relationship. Sometimes with millennials, you are better to feel your way," Smith advises.

• a cry for security
"Teens are looking for borders," he says. "Borders protect our teens and allow them to be relatively carefree as they pass through their last stage of childhood. Teenagers are frightened to live in a culture that doesn't protect them, hurries them into adulthood and adult-sized problems, and doesn’t equip them to handle adult problems."

• a cry for purpose
The millennials' need to believe life is meaningful is palpable. However, many do not take the time to reflect on their lives, and that is one cause of their lack of purpose. Smith blames overly-packed schedules and the media barrage. As a result, teens make decisions with a "mosaic morality– a little of this combined with a little of that", he describes. "Millennials desire meaning and morals, but they don't often have the time, energy, and examples to build an integrated moral base. Since they make decisions based on ever-changing criteria, they are often disappointed with the results."

• a cry to be heard
"They have high hopes for the future but feel so-so about the present," Smith cautions. "Most would welcome a serious discussion with a caring adult. They are eager to share their opinions and are looking for compassionate adults to interact with."

• a cry to be valued
In a culture that is increasingly anti-children, many teens feel alone. More than ever, Smith insists, "they need their parents and other mentors and guides to protect them and to help them process ideas and shapes values. Our teens are looking for rites of passage that affirm their progress as they develop."

• a cry for support
Contrary to what many parents believe, teens today "want to be connected and are open to learn from those who have gone before. They want to be included and to make a difference. They feel supported when they are included in our processes and allowed some autonomy to make decisions."

Smith urges: "We need to strategically plan support for our teens, because man of them feel that we spend all our efforts at work and that we have little to offer them in their aspirations."

Article from Family.sg/ youngteens