The Lost Language of Love

Jack Neo speaks candidly about the lost connection

"Have you eaten? Have you finished your homework? How many marks did you get for your test?" These three questions, usually delivered at rapid-fire pace as Mum and Dad set foot at home at the end of the workday, sum up the communication between many Singapore parents and their offspring, says actor, movie director and recent Cultural Medallion winner Jack Neo.

And that's not a great place to start, says Jack, himself a father of four — a girl and three boys aged between one-and-a-half and 14. Of the nightly scenario that all too often dissolves into tears and recriminations, he says, "We haven't seen our kids for a whole day and yet that's how many of us say 'Hello' to them. How tactful is that? It's like asking the child for a report card of his achievements even before walking through the door?"

Of course, in checking up on their children, most parents would say they have the kids' interests at heart, but that is not enough. Looking relaxed in a casual oatmeal ensemble, he warms to his topic quickly and passionately, "When we nag our kids about their school work, we say it's our way of showing our love for them. But have we stopped to think that the way we show love can be sheer torture for the kids?"

We need to talk
This mismatch of good intentions, expressed as a breakdown in communications between parents and children is the central theme of I Not Stupid Too, the long awaited sequel to 2002's I Not Stupid, hailed as a cultural landmark that grappled with the weighty topic of Singapore's education system with a deft, sympathetic hand.

I Not Stupid Too follows the travails of three teenagers — Tom, his brother Jerry, and their schoolmate Cheng Chai — as they cope with the pressures of school, teen angst and the most galling of all challenges — parental expectations. The key roles are played by child stars, Shawn Lee, Joshua Ang and Ashley Leong.Veteran actor Huang Yi Liang returns to the screen, as does Jack himself, who plays a parent, alongside his screen spouse, actress Xiang Yun.

Through the movie, released in early 2006, he hoped to reach out to new audiences that his films had yet to win over, like schools, teachers and the English-educated. The movie's message — encapsulated in its subheading "Can We Talk?" — was certainly universal enough to strike a chord with parents of any persuasion.

Finding your way back
This issue of a wall of silence between parents and children has preoccupied Jack for years — he's talked to countless parents, done hours of research, including a trip to China to talk to a professor who has helped parents turn around wayward children through effective communication. It's a journey that has led him to explore the hidden syntax, and the elusive vocabulary of a language, more precisely, a lost language of love, between parents and children.

Says Jack, "I am very curious as to how many of us parents seem to think that if we make sure our children do well in their studies, our job is done. In fact, that's not true." Our fundamental duty as parents, he concludes after much soul searching, is to make sure our children feel loved and appreciated. Only then will they grow up confident enough to find their place in the world.

"When our kids are babies and toddlers, we know exactly how to love them, talk to them, feed them and cuddle them. Little children in Singapore are mostly well-loved and cherished. But as they grow up and go to school, we parents somehow lose our way."

He recounts how he once asked a group of children to draw a dragon, only to have them decline for fear of not drawing a 'nice' dragon. "But they are children; they should let their imagination take flight. How did they become so fearful and lacking in confidence?"

Adamant at first about not discussing his children, Jack is so wound up about his topic that he can't help but share an anecdote about his youngest son. "My boy loves cartoons and one day I said to him, 'Why don't you drawn your favourite characters?' At first, when he showed me his drawings, he was very hesitant. Bu the more I encouraged him, the more he improved; soon he was showing me a drawing almost every night. More importantly, I'd like to think, in some small way, he felt loved and appreciated."

If parents are looking for short cuts to win over their children, he has news for them: there are none. "Children are very intuitive; if you are not sincere, if you don't really mean what you say or if you aren't willing to spend the time with them, they can sense it."

So the message from this celebrated movie director with the flair for touching hearts is this: get to know your kids, and not just their school grades. Speak to them from your heart and rediscover a common language. While you are at it, watch I Not Stupid Too together.

Article from Family.sg/parenting