Talk about Puberty

Parents should have an open relationship with their children

Parents with children approaching puberty need to prepare themselves for the impending changes, so that they can help their kids, says Veola Vazquez, an assistant professor in psychology at Biola University.

Keeping in mind that, on average, girls reach puberty around age 12 and boys, 14, expect your tween to grow taller, gain weight and develop sexually. Beyond the physical changes, brace yourself for the emotional development as well. Her advice, as given to Focus On The Family:

1. Start early
by talking about the phase before it happens. "Parents who start open discussions about puberty early have teens who are more open to discussing it," Vazquez notes. "If your first discussion about puberty occurs after it has already begun, kids may be more uncomfortable discussing the issues."


In fact, The Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide by Dr James Dobson cites a Harvard University study of children between 10 and 13 on the subject. It showed that the number who felt uncomfortable talking to their parents about sexuality nearly doubled after puberty occurred, even though the majority of them felt loved by their parents 'all the time". Prior to that, they were very open to instruction and guidance at home.

2. Be clear
with your child about the bodily changes he or she should expect. "Give as much information as possible," she says. For example, girls need to know about breast development and the reproductive cycle. Explain menstruation, which is usually the final stage of her pubertal development and should be viewed positively — as a passage into adulthood, rather than a painful 'burden' all women have to bear. In the West, the first period is often marked as special with a dinner at a restaurant or a gift.

Boys too should be made aware that their bodies will change — their voices will deepen, and there will be enlargement of the genitals and new hair growth. Talk about the possibility of nocturnal emissions ('wet dreams'), and reassure them that these are not a sign of disease or immorality.


"It is better that they hear it from you than from friends or television," Vasquez advises.

3. Don't assume
your tween is well-informed and already knows everything he or she needs to know. Many kids learn about sex and puberty from the TV, friends, magazines or even random hearsay, and often get wrong information. Talking the issue over will go a long way towards correcting any inaccuracies.


"If your child asks questions for which you don't know the answer," Vasquez says, "simply tell him you will do your best to find the answer. Then be sure to read about the topic."

4. Soul search
"Talking to your child about body and sexual issues can be uncomfortable if you haven't prepared yourself ahead of time," she cautions. "Check your own attitudes about sex and your body before talking to your child."

5. Explain your values
Your child will be more likely to follow your values regarding sexual issues if you clearly state and model them. Discuss the reality of peer pressure, and how he or she would need faith in himself, his family and religion to resist the temptation to act unwisely.


Set out guidelines about interest in the opposite sex, relationships and physical contact, and if the subject of dating arises, make the boundaries clear. For instance, mum and dad may have a rule that there should be no 'steady' relationships at this age but encourage mixed group activities instead.


Don't feel you need to sit down and have a long heart-to-heart; a conversation may crop up in as casual a setting as the drive to school. It’s okay to keep things concise. However, if and when the opportunities arise, draw your tween in with questions that will help him or her think through issues like body language, flirting and modesty.

More importantly, convey the message that you will continue to be available and supportive through the changes that are about to take place, and that he or she can come to you at any time, about anything.

Your efforts to communicate and stay connected might well say more than words could.

Article from Family.sg